


Break

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Durincest, Fíli Lives, M/M, Sibling Incest, Summer Fandom Raffle Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:29:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4775432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<em>And just how the sea breaks over the rocks my heart will break over and over until I wake in Mahal's grand hall and see my brother again</em>."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break

**Author's Note:**

> Another fill for the [summer fandom raffle exchange.](http://gatheringfiki.tumblr.com/post/127826595685/summer-fandom-raffle-exchange-prompts-masterlist) Prompt #23. (PS: I readily admit I don't know what is fanon and what is canon re: dwarves having soulmates and the courting practices of Hobbits/dwarves so I pretty much just went with whatever I felt like! Whoops!)

Nobody really knew where the legend of dwarves having a One came from; in some tellings, it was that in the crafting of dwarves, Mahal took the core of one and split it between two bodies, so that they would know one another the moment they met. Other legends said that it was the wife of Mahal, Yavanna, who added that last detail to their creation, intent that none of them should live without love. No matter which legend they believed in, all dwarves believed in their One. Not everyone found their One in their lives, but the idea that they had one out there was enough hope to keep them from falling into loneliness and sadness; it was better, they knew, to never find their One, than to find them and lose them.

Fili and Kili had always known they were each others' One. For Fili, being the elder, he could feel it when Dis was first carrying Kili; he didn't know then exactly  _what_ he was feeling. There was just a sense of rightness and completeness that consumed him any time he was near his mother's growing belly. When he held his brother for the first time, it deepened, and when Kili opened his bright brown eyes and stared up at him, the feeling was nearly tangible. For Kili, he never knew anything different; from the very moment he could understand what it meant to feel something, he knew he always felt most at home when Fili was nearby. Whenever Thorin would pull Fili away for lessons or down to the forge to try to learn a craft, Kili felt tense and jumpy; the moment Fili returned home, Kili relaxed so deeply it was like melting. He explained it to his brother once when he reached his teens, and Fili choked out a relieved laugh.

"Don't laugh at me, Fee," Kili whined.

"Not laughing at you, Kee, I promise. I just was so worried you didn't feel the same way," Fili explained.

"You feel it too then?"

"Yeah, Kee, I feel it too."

"Then what is it?" Kili asked, blinking owlishly. "Surely not everyone feels this way when separated from their family."

"No, Kee, they don't." Fili hesitated before taking Kili's hand gently. "They feel it when they're separated from their One."

Kili stared at Fili for a long moment, causing Fili to consider taking his hand back, consider if maybe he was wrong; before he had the chance to pull away, Kili's face split into a wide grin, his eyes alight. "Thank Mahal. I already love you and you already love me -- courting is going to be a breeze!"

* * *

 

Typically speaking, hobbits didn't have a One; whenever they were asked about it by a member of a different race, they would often reply that hobbits are so full of love that limiting themselves to only one love during their short life seemed to be an act of thievery committed against the world at large. Many hobbits married only once anyway, but they often had many courtships and dalliances as they reached maturity; for some hobbits, divorce was not unheard of, and for others, finding love after the death of a spouse was even more commonplace. They didn't need another to feel complete, for hobbit families are so large and boisterous that a hobbit could scarcely go a moment without drowning in affection; this, of course, left them with no room to ever feel as though something was missing.

Bilbo Baggins was anything but typical. All his life he had felt something was amiss in his life; there was some sort of emptiness that he couldn't quite fill up all the way. He got close sometimes when he found a particularly riveting new book, or when his tomatoes finally produced fruit good enough to eat; the hole within him would always reopen from time to time, and he'd stuff it full of pipe-weed and food and tea until he could ignore it again. His mother would tell him when he was younger that the emptiness was his hunger for adventure, for a life outside the mundane tradition of the Shire; his father would tell him that he was a Baggins and should find a way to deal with it -- before thinking for a moment and adding, " _But whatever your mother said is probably more right._ "

As a small child, Bilbo was always off on a chase for adventure; he'd wander into the woods at the edge of town and climb up high into trees. If anyone ever asked what he was doing, he'd say he was looking for Elves, or that he'd heard a funny sound and  _what if it's orcs._ He befriended the odd traveling wizard Gandalf the Grey at this young age after running up to him and tugging at his robes unabashedly, despite the adults around him scoffing and gasping. He would oft be reminded that he was a Baggins and should behave, but he was half a Took, after all. Bilbo was never destined to be ordinary. The day Gandalf the Grey wandered back into his life, this was proven to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt; somehow, he allowed himself to be talked into joining a company of dwarves on a journey to reclaim a stolen homeland, and, even more absurd, he'd agreed to be their  _burglar._

Of course, the Baggins side of him would argue that he didn't  _immediately_ agree. In fact, he turned them down when they first asked him; it wasn't until the morning that he'd signed the contract and run off after them. The dwarves and Gandalf asked what changed his mind, and Bilbo made up a fib about proving he's more than meets the eye; in truth, he'd heard Thorin singing the song of the mountain as he hid away in his bedroom, and something in the deep voice stirred something in him. He'd had dalliances and affairs before, but none of them had ever caused the constriction in his chest felt when he heard that song.

* * *

When Thorin announced his plans to reclaim Erebor and force Smaug out to this death and doom, Fili and Kili immediately professed interest in going along with their uncle. Their mother, Dis, was wholeheartedly against the idea at first, and suggested that perhaps only Kili should go along, just in case it ended badly; keeping Fili behind would ensure the survival of the crown prince and thus the line of Durin would carry on. She and Thorin did not yet know that Fili and Kili had discovered they were each others' Ones, and so did not understand the melancholy that loomed overhead following the suggestion. Dis, ever concerned for her boys, looked questioningly at her brother, who shook his head and made an exaggerated face at Balin, who sighed heavily and began to speak with an air one adopts when explaining something to a small child.

"They cannot be separated, your Highnesses," he said quietly. "To separate them is to doom them both to ruin." Dis and Thorin stared at him blankly, so he continued. "They are each others' Ones," he said slowly.

Dis and Thorin stared at each other in shock, and then turned their attentions to the boys who were oblivious to everything that had just occurred; Kili was curled against Fili, fighting back tears and whispering, _I don't want to go without you, Fee._  Fili, for his part, had his arms tight around his brother and was carding his fingers through the unruly black hair;  _Mahal as my witness, you won't have to. I won't let you go where I cannot._

With a fond -- if exasperated -- smile, Dis took both her boys into her arms, squeezing them tight. "Very well. You may both go." Before they could begin to thank her, she was smacking them both on the backs of their heads. " _That's_ for not telling me you were each others' One."

Spluttering, they tried to explain, Fili looking to Thorin for backup, only to see Thorin shaking his head and holding in laughter. "You two have brought your mother's wrath upon yourselves; it's on you to deal with it. Pray thanks to Mahal that she's allowing you on this journey, and you shall only have to suffer her righteous indignation a few days more."

* * *

Bilbo tried desperately to cling to the way Thorin's singing had made him feel, tried to remind himself he'd signed up for this quest knowing full well what the dwarves thought of his capabilities; it was important to remember this, especially when Thorin was saying something cruel to him. Which, incidentally, was almost any time Thorin directed his words at the hobbit. There were murmurs and shared looks among the group -- not to mention Gandalf's explanation about them all betting on whether he'd even turn up in the first place -- that reminded Bilbo that he was no dwarrow. He was not born or bred to the sprawling wilderness ahead, was not trained in battles or even simple fighting; he had never wielded a sword, and could not shoot a bow. Truthfully, being small and quiet seemed to be his only strengths.

It was difficult, for much of the journey, to convince himself to carry on. He wanted nothing more than to honor the contract he'd signed, if only to continue proving himself to this group that had somehow gotten under his skin. Fili and Kili teased him often, but never made him believe he couldn't do it; Bofur, Bombur, and Ori were much the same, proving to be more fascinated by hobbits than doubtful of them. Gandalf was inexplicably sure of Bilbo's usefulness, and most of the rest of the company thought it would be good entertainment whether Bilbo wound up succeeding or failing spectacularly. Truly, it was only Thorin who outright doubted Bilbo at every turn -- something Bilbo was beginning to resent.

When Elrond made the offer to allow Bilbo to stay in Rivendell if he so chose, Bilbo very nearly took him up on it. He could easily picture days spent in the vast library, nights sleeping in an actual bed softened by down feathers rather than using a rock for a pillow, meals that actually filled him up instead of leaving him missing the comfort of seven meals. For a moment, Bilbo heavily considered the offer; it would be so easy to stay, and his Baggins side would be appeased, glad he'd finally seen sense. As he was pondering the offer, he saw Thorin in the courtyard below, and felt a sudden rush of pain in his chest; despite the cruelty and doubt shown to him thus far by the mountain king, he couldn't bear the thought of leaving him now.

And wasn't that a fascinating thought?

* * *

Fili and Kili were thoroughly enjoying the journey to Erebor, as they were finally out to Thorin and had begun courting properly; sure, there had been the incident where they'd almost been eaten by trolls. But that was just another great tale to tell once they'd won the mountain! Their burglar had been most exemplary in stalling for time to turn the brutes to stone, even if he had been so convincing in his conversation with them that the boys thought he was seriously telling how to best cook dwarves. Uncle Thorin hadn't given the hobbit his due credit, so Fili and Kili made sure to, especially since the entire situation was their fault; they  _had_ lost the ponies, after all.

And of course there was the fact that they'd been chased by orcs and wargs and escaped by the skin of their teeth, only to be unwittingly -- and unwillingly -- led into Rivendell. While Fili and Kili were well aware their distaste for elves came solely from the pure vitriol that spewed consistently from their mother and Thorin, they were nothing if not loyal; they, too, could barely look at the elves without scowling. Well, Fili, at least; Kili was so surprised to see how elegant and soft the elves looked, despite their high cheekbones and sharp jaws, and found himself gaping openly. When he noticed Fili's brewing jealousy at the wistful looks he paid the elves, Kili smirked and whispered, " _Don't fret, brother mine. You're still the most beautiful creature in all Middle Earth._ "

This soothed Fili's hurt sufficiently, and Kili was allowed to continue looking his fill. That night, as Fili snuck into Kili's room, he made certain there was no doubt who Kili belonged to; Kili knew he would be sore in the morning, but it was well-worth the trouble. Perhaps he'd have to ogle some elves again the next day, and every day until they left Rivendell behind. When he woke and saw that Fili still slept, Kili carefully slipped the courting bead he'd made ages ago onto the braid at the right side of his brother's face. Pleased with his handiwork, he rose, and set about getting dressed for the road, just in case they had to leave soon.

* * *

Bilbo noticed small changes in the group over time. There were the new beads in Fili and Kili's hair, the drawn-out looks between Dwalin and Ori, and the fond way Thorin looked upon these pairings; he also noted that Bofur and Nori tended to swap watch shifts so they were paired together, and that Dori seemed to watch Dwalin like a hawk. Unwilling to risk bodily harm by inquiring after Dwalin and Ori's situation, Bilbo decided instead to ask Fili and Kili what the beads in their hair meant. Their faces lit up for a brief moment before smoothing into a nonchalant mask; "Do hobbits have courting rituals?" they asked instead.

Confused by the change of subject, Bilbo nodded dumbly. "Yes, of course. When a hobbit wishes to wed another hobbit, they first declare their intent by offering a wreath of daffodils and daisies. The daffodil stands for unequaled love, while the daisy implies loyalty and the innocence of the love. If the wreath is accepted, the hobbit it is offered to hangs it upon their front door until it withers."

Fili and Kili stared at Bilbo enraptured. "Then what?"

"Then, the two hobbits must meet with the head of house for each of them; often these are cousins or other relations, distant or otherwise," Bilbo explained. "It's all very formal and optimistic."

"What do you mean optimistic?" Fili asked, confusion coloring his voice. "Do hobbits not have a One?"

Bilbo tilted his head and frowned at the boys. "Like a soulmate? No, hobbits do not. Many hobbits will have many loves and lovers over the course of their lives, and divorce is not uncommon in Hobbiton."

Fili and Kili recoiled at the thought of divorce, and then adopted matching looks of sadness at the thought of not having a One. "But how do you know if it's real if they're not your One?"

"I suppose," Bilbo said, thoughtfully, "you just feel it. You know or you don't."

"Have you ever been in love, Mister Baggins?" Kili asked quietly.

"I thought I had, but...lately I'm wondering if I was completely wrong about what love feels like."

The boys grinned at that, and drop the subject, taking their leave of the burglar to assume the position of night watchmen.

* * *

For a brief spell, Bilbo had managed to avoid drawing Thorin's ire; this was, of course, until the thunder battle. Bilbo had fallen, had nearly been lost, and upon his rescue, Thorin had declared that Bilbo was lost the moment he left Bag End behind. With a deep pang, Bilbo found he agreed with Thorin on this cruelty; he was lost, he had been so lost. He had tried desperately to find his inner Took, to honor his mother and the adventurer he'd dreamed of being as a child; but that was just the problem.  He wasn't a child any longer -- he was a full grown hobbit, and he should've known better than to throw his lot in with those who didn't believe he could be anything but a burden. That night, Bilbo resolved to leave, to make the return to Rivendell; he very nearly got away, when suddenly the floor fell out beneath them all. 

When Bilbo finally made it out of the tunnels and happened upon the company once more, he heard Thorin angrily saying Bilbo had probably returned home as he had undoubtedly dreamed of since setting out on the journey. Emboldened, Bilbo took off the magic ring and announced his presence.

"Why did you come back?" Thorin asked, a bit mad and a lot confused.

"Look, I know you doubt me. I know you always have. And you’re right, I often think of Bag End. I miss my books, and my armchair, and my garden. See, that's where I belong, that's home. That's why I came back; because you don't have one -- a home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can." Before Thorin could ask any of the millions of questions Bilbo can see swimming in his eyes, they heard it; a warg howling nearby.

"Out of the frying pan --" Gandalf had said.

"And into the fire."

That night they faced Azog the Defiler and his band of orcs; that was the night everything changed. Bilbo remembered well the tale Balin had told, the grim tone to his voice; he remembered the pain he'd seen in the depths of Thorin's eyes, the way the king had stiffened at the start of the tale, and the way he'd turned to them at its end, as if afraid the story would make them regret pledging their loyalty to one who could not even protect his kin. But as they fled into the trees, as all hope seemed to abandon them, Bilbo saw Thorin transform before his eyes; no longer was he the king without a kingdom, the dwarf wandering and fighting to reclaim his place in the world.

Standing before Bilbo now was Thorin Oakenshield, the great warrior who had inspired a group of dwarves that were everything  _but_ warriors to follow him into the very depths of hell itself. When Thorin fell, Bilbo couldn't explain what spurred him to action; it was as if he was drawn from the trees by a force he couldn't see or contain. All he knew was that he had to protect Thorin at any cost. His efforts were repaid in the embrace that followed after they made their grand escape, in the words Thorin whispered into his hair; " _I have never been so wrong in all my life._ " Full of hope, and what he realized now was  _love_ , Bilbo was certain things could only improve from here.

_"I do believe the worst is behind us."_

* * *

Looking back, Bilbo can't believe how wrong he had been. He had not anticipated the gold sickness taking such deep root in Thorin, and he had not anticipated the battle that fell upon the mountain after the slaying of Smaug. He had not anticipated that Thorin wouldn't survive, nor had he anticipated they would lose Kili as well; Thorin fell when he stepped between Azog and Bilbo, their battle drawing out until they each fell at the others' hand. Kili died saving Fili, as was to be expected, but despite his recklessness, it seemed Fili would not follow Kili this time. Surrounded by death and ruin and heartbreak, Bilbo wondered if he should return to Bag End, if he should slip away in the night and try to forget, even as he planned how to record the tale for posterity; he wanted to forget so he could end his pain, but more than that, he wanted the world to know Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain as he had. He wanted the world to know that though Thorin could be cruel and was more than kingly, he could also be kind, and caring. That he was capable of deep, abiding love.

In the end, it's Fili that convinces Bilbo his place is at Erebor, at least for the time being; he finds him one day in the library, sitting in an armchair in the corner, staring distantly at the wall. Bilbo wonders if Fili is even aware that he's crying, or that he's no longer alone. Without a word, Bilbo sits down next to him and takes his hand; it wasn't until Kili fell that Bilbo finally came to understand the meaning of the beads the brothers wore. Thorin had pressed one like it into Bilbo's hands with his last rattling breath, telling him to go home to his books and plant his trees. The beads were a part of dwarvish courting; Bilbo felt a pang of guilt that Fili and Kili doubted whether they could trust him with the truth of their relationship and wondered if they might've enjoyed more happiness if they didn't feel the need to hide it around him. He doesn't voice any of this to Fili now though; he knows what Fili really needs is to be reminded he's not alone.

Though Bilbo doesn't say anything, Fili seems to remember himself. He squeezes Bilbo's hand and clears his throat, seeking his voice. "I'm sorry, Bilbo. I know hobbits don't have a One, but...you must be feeling as terribly as I am. Losing Uncle just as you two found each other."

Bilbo shakes his head. "Hobbits don't have a One. Not usually. But from the moment I heard Thorin sing at Bag End, something in me was wakened. No matter how many times I wanted to give up and go home, I couldn't stand the thought of being away from him."

Fili finally looks at Bilbo, a mixture of surprise and extreme sadness in his eyes. "He  _was_ your One. I know you were his; he expressed as much to me when we were locked away in Thranduil's halls and he was afraid we'd lost you."

Bilbo laughs bitterly. "Of course he knew that long."

"You didn't?"

"I couldn't know for sure. There weren't tales like this in hobbit lore. But I wondered," Bilbo sighs. "Oh, I wondered, Fili."

They sit in silence again once more before Fili looks down at his lap, his tears falling hard and fast now. "How am I supposed to rule Erebor when I can barely stand to wake in the morning  knowing Kee won't be there?"

"I don't know, Fili," Bilbo says softly. "Maybe with help. Your mother will be here soon, and the company isn't going anywhere. Myself included."

Fili leans his head on Bilbo's shoulder and sobs quietly. "He was supposed to always be here. We promised we wouldn't ever go anywhere without each other and now he's alone in Mahal's grand hall."

Bilbo lifts a hand to gently smooth out the knots in Fili's hair. "If you think for one minute he isn't with Thorin watching over your shoulder to make sure you're never alone, you're more of a fool than I ever imagined you could be."

Fili chokes out half a laugh at that, and nods. "You're probably right, Bilbo. How are you going to get through it? I have to focus on the throne, which should help. But what will you do?"

"I'm going to write about it," Bilbo says frankly. "I'm going to write about everything that happened, about everyone I met, about everyone I loved and everyone I lost. About those of us that survived and how we carried on, and about the kingdom under the mountain that owes its existence to the two bravest dwarves I've ever had the pleasure to call my friends."

"Will you read it to me when you finish?" Fili asks quietly.

"Every word," Bilbo promises.

And he does write it all down, eventually. With Ori's help, it's filled with illustrations and portraits of the company; there's a grand drawing of them roasting on a spit surrounded by trolls, of Bilbo saving them from Thranduil's dungeons, of Bard at the helm of his boat. The story is honest, full of heart, and overflowing with love. As he writes about the company carrying on, he finds it easy to fill in the bits about everyone except Fili; when he informs the prince -- no, the  _king_ \-- about this, Fili says he'll write his bit, if that's okay. Bilbo gives him the tome, and tells him to take his time.

It's not until the next Durin's Day that Fili finally picks up a quill and begins to write his story down. He writes about knowing Kili was his One, about their childhood together, about their teen years learning every inch of each other, about their quiet courtship, about the journey to Erebor. He writes about losing Kili, and, finally, he writes about trying to pick up the pieces of the life he's been left with, about trying to find a way to continue living without the other half of his being.

Eventually, he comes to a conclusion; he will carry on as best he can, but he will never be himself again. Not until he holds his One, his brother, his Kili in his arms again in the halls of Mahal. Picking up the quill, he scratches out one last sentence; " _And just how the sea breaks over the rocks my heart will break over and over until I wake in Mahal's grand hall and see my brother again_."

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for this. It hurt me as much as it hurts you, I promise.


End file.
